i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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