I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
