I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
