Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize