I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
