i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i dont even know how to be here
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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