also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Randomize
