Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
