Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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