That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
