Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
