Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
