My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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