If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
