sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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