I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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