My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
