I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
