yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
