so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
