1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
