Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
