conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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