So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
