you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
tell me about the eggs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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