Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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