i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize