shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
