I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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