Tell her she can't have a vagina
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize