I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
