Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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