her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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