i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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