I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
