someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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