I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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