Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
