Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
