I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
