When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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