you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How's work?
Spinning.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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