So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
