Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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