I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize