I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
