We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
