i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
