at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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