Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
