I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
