I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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