You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
it's like iHOP with fire
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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