how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
