I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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