i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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