Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
