So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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