I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
