I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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