your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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