So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
