My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
