i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
